the-best-on-mars:

prophetized:

First you must decide what kind of tumblr you are going to be on your quest to be #1 tumblarity superstar, and you have two options:

1. Totally impersonal fashion/news/picture blog.
- You do not use your name.
- You have no name.
- You have no face.
- You have no personal preference or morals.
- You have a few choices based on what kind of the three blogs you want to have.

Fashion: Hipster clothing, Urban clothing, High end fashion, Shoes.
- Anything that deviates from these 4 sets of fashions and you’re done for. quit.

News: News like CNN, hilarious news from around the world, or ‘internet news’.
- Once again if you deviate from these things it’s over, you will not be tumblr king.

Picture blog: You have more choices in this but in the end it comes down to this: Pretty people.
- People like pretty pictures, people like funny internet memes, but if you want to be the best you’re going to have to post pictures of attractive people. Everyone loves attractive people, either because they want to be them, they want to have sex with them, or they want to be them while having sex with them.

2. Totally personal blog showing everything about yourself.
- You MUST be attractive. Tumblr is shallow and the fact is most of the people on tumblr are 14 year old girls with low self esteem or horny men. The 14 year old girls like men that aren’t too old to gawk at and love and cling onto their every word and the horny men like a god damn good lookin’ women to get up to real nice, or pretend like they are. They don’t care what someone who isn’tattractive’s life or hardships or really anything.
- You must have some sort of defined music taste. Make your fan girls/fan girls gawk at your love for their same favorite band. (Less important for women, guys just want to look at your pretty face.)
- You must update all the time about how your day went and how much you love your followers and ask questions about them all the time, but keep them wanting to talk to you more and more.
- You have to have some sort of terrible heart wrenching emotional pain to talk about and ask for comfort with, but it can’t be a seriously important one in real life.

3. Here are some ways to get your tumblarity up quick.
- Post random quotations about love, the absense of love, relationships, or any other cliche.
- On the note of cliches use as many of them as possible in multiple short posts. Young people feel comforted by them.
- If you’re attractive (if you’re not this won’t do a thing) post pictures of yourself with the ever so popular line “i’m so ugly ):”. Wait for reblogs and people to feed your hidden ego.
- Become friends with a popular tumblr and ride on their coat tails for tumblarity.
- Post something that has already been funny for a long time or used to be really funny and wait for the people who still haven’t gotten over it to start reblogging it all over the place.
- Post anything about early 90s TV/cartoons, people eat that shit up.
- If you’re a girl talk about how loose you are, one of the more popular tumblr males are going to jump on it without a doubt and start pimping you out to the tumblr community.

4. My tumblarity is slipping, what do I do!?
- quiiiiick! Use one of the methods above for fast tumblarity or simple tell people to reblog your thing because your tumblarity is slipping.
- Panic.

5. Stay active every day, every few hours, and either be totally repetitive or never repeat another thing you ever say again.

6. Be totally confident in yourself or totally hate yourself, and remember, have a good sense of humour. :)

1. Please stop putting autoplaying music players on your pages. It makes me not want to return to your page when your music suddenly blast through my speakers when I’m already listening to music.

2. What the fuck is up with the tumblr pages without a home button or an archive button?

*sigh*

[/rant]